climbing the fence

Spiritual journeys...what are they? I've never felt that I would be the kind of person to get stuck in a stationary wheel. Strangely only in the past few days have I come to understand that the stationary wheel represents a state of mind and is not attached to my physical surroundings. I am certain this is not a new theory, nor is it surprising to me in any way, yet it is interesting that a known truth has the ability to surface, to rise above other thoughts at certain times in my life. I realize now that my state of mind manifests in my physical surroundings and not the other way around. When my state of mind begins to turn into itself, I start to criticize certain things around me I feel I could change. Sadly, it is never as easy as rearranging furniture, starting or ending a relationship, relocating to a new and exciting place, starting a new job, finding a new hobby, making new friends; it must start from within and uncovering where to begin is the greatest challenge.

So how do I get off this wheel? First step is identifying to which wheel I'm currently attached. At first I thought I might be afraid of being alone. Not in the sense that I cannot be alone with myself, but the fear of becoming too self reliant and therefore reluctant to allow anyone to be part of my life. Then I thought maybe I might be concerned about making a noticeable difference in the world, an impact that people could see and feel and appreciate. In another instance I felt that I was envious of friends and strangers who have rid themselves of stability to travel and be free and that in my current state I am missing something, that I am sheltered and unworldly. And of course there are practical matters that plague my everyday thoughts such as: How do I maintain my health? How important is my family in my life? How can I ensure that I live a long and prosperous life? What can I do right now to make my life better in the future? What can I do at this moment to make my day better? What should I value? What do I currently value? Who do I value and how do I let them know I feel that way?

The list could go on for days, so I'm stopping there and looking for a pattern, a common theme, and an underlying meaning. The only commonality between these thoughts and questions that I can see is that I don't have answers or advice to give in response to any of my questions or concerns. I wake up one day and I truly believe I've stumbled across something, a truth, a solution, an idea and I try to follow my ideas but end in the same place with the same question after a short trial period. That in itself makes me wonder if anyone has answers to these things. I'm sure friends and family can administer advice and commentary on how I should align my thoughts, but can they answer these questions about their own life? Are we all just stumbling around in the dark looking for light and answers to our daily inquiries? Can all of this be chalked-up to me being indecisive in nature?

It's at times like this when I feel most alone and confused, but then I remember moments in which friends or family discuss the progress and success of another person who I know is tortured by these same thoughts and I feel relieved. Relieved that outward appearances are not necessarily truths and that the grass is always greener when you're standing on one side of the fence. I think in order to get off this wheel I need to climb up onto the fence and observe the pasture on both sides, I need perspective and light. So I guess this marks the start of my spiritual journey to climb a fence I can see over but haven't figured out how to climb.