reaching

abandon me 

roll over

loosen your grip on my index finger

breathe in the lingering scent on my pillow

take the last glance 

look back for another

return to the last thing I touched

stare

remember

turn away and forget

remember soft sunlight on my skin 

as I awoke while lying next to you

imagine my pupils dilating as they first open

lose your hold on my side in crowd 

look frantically for me in a sea of faces

remember my silhouette in the doorway

my smile as I made mischievous advances

think of my lips on the corner of your mouth

reach for me in the dark

lurch into empty space for memories

of the lines on my face

the scars on my knees

trace the lines of my extremities

move slowly through the room and watch my presence escape

through the cracks in the walls 

look through the window

to see if I’ve turned around

to return

to fill the emptiness I’ve left behind

imagine me

imagine me near you

with you

around you

now abandon my memory

climbing the fence

Spiritual journeys...what are they? I've never felt that I would be the kind of person to get stuck in a stationary wheel. Strangely only in the past few days have I come to understand that the stationary wheel represents a state of mind and is not attached to my physical surroundings. I am certain this is not a new theory, nor is it surprising to me in any way, yet it is interesting that a known truth has the ability to surface, to rise above other thoughts at certain times in my life. I realize now that my state of mind manifests in my physical surroundings and not the other way around. When my state of mind begins to turn into itself, I start to criticize certain things around me I feel I could change. Sadly, it is never as easy as rearranging furniture, starting or ending a relationship, relocating to a new and exciting place, starting a new job, finding a new hobby, making new friends; it must start from within and uncovering where to begin is the greatest challenge.

So how do I get off this wheel? First step is identifying to which wheel I'm currently attached. At first I thought I might be afraid of being alone. Not in the sense that I cannot be alone with myself, but the fear of becoming too self reliant and therefore reluctant to allow anyone to be part of my life. Then I thought maybe I might be concerned about making a noticeable difference in the world, an impact that people could see and feel and appreciate. In another instance I felt that I was envious of friends and strangers who have rid themselves of stability to travel and be free and that in my current state I am missing something, that I am sheltered and unworldly. And of course there are practical matters that plague my everyday thoughts such as: How do I maintain my health? How important is my family in my life? How can I ensure that I live a long and prosperous life? What can I do right now to make my life better in the future? What can I do at this moment to make my day better? What should I value? What do I currently value? Who do I value and how do I let them know I feel that way?

The list could go on for days, so I'm stopping there and looking for a pattern, a common theme, and an underlying meaning. The only commonality between these thoughts and questions that I can see is that I don't have answers or advice to give in response to any of my questions or concerns. I wake up one day and I truly believe I've stumbled across something, a truth, a solution, an idea and I try to follow my ideas but end in the same place with the same question after a short trial period. That in itself makes me wonder if anyone has answers to these things. I'm sure friends and family can administer advice and commentary on how I should align my thoughts, but can they answer these questions about their own life? Are we all just stumbling around in the dark looking for light and answers to our daily inquiries? Can all of this be chalked-up to me being indecisive in nature?

It's at times like this when I feel most alone and confused, but then I remember moments in which friends or family discuss the progress and success of another person who I know is tortured by these same thoughts and I feel relieved. Relieved that outward appearances are not necessarily truths and that the grass is always greener when you're standing on one side of the fence. I think in order to get off this wheel I need to climb up onto the fence and observe the pasture on both sides, I need perspective and light. So I guess this marks the start of my spiritual journey to climb a fence I can see over but haven't figured out how to climb.

convergent boundaries

it’s a fleeting sensation

with intensity of an intolerable push and pull

unrelenting insecurity masked by unquestionable certainty

swimming in a whirlpool with an invisible drain

my senses cannot detect a certain level of affection

the mechanisms in place to repel almost certain emotion

divert wandering sensory experiences toward cliffs

above rocky crags of reality

and back away at the prospect of possible collision, embodiment of the two

the layer of subcutaneous earth 

despises the potential for fracking the intimate layers of history

lying securely fashioned under the exterior, protecting the vulnerable 

valuable layer of depth and meaning

that the universe purposely buried 

through a series of meaningless and devastating collisions

between soft and hard, then and now

selfless love and repetition

Today was a normal day; but in each normal day, something unexpected always occurs. Over the past 32 years I've really only learned one thing, that I if I just take a moment to breathe and acknowledge that most things are out of my control, revelations arrive on my doorstep in rapid succession.
_________________________________________

Thirteen and half years ago I wrote a letter to my older sister telling her that I was moving out of her house and taking her dog with me back to our hometown. The dog, who we now call Tera Jane, was a timid, finicky, thin yellow labrador retriever. She seemed lost and unhappy in her situation, so I decided to take her because I knew that even though she was intended for someone else, we could never be apart. Thirteen years ago we drove away together and our journey began.

Today my mother found me emotional, lying on my couch, holding Tera Jane. When asked what had happened, I explained that I just read a passage in my favorite novel in which a couple comes to terms with the death of their beloved dog. What I didn't explain was the actual content of the passage. I've read this novel on three separate occasions, and each time it relates to my life and my thoughts in an uncanny and almost eery way. Today, the story spoke of happiness, repetition and selfless love.

The author explains that the love between a woman and her dog is better than the love between her and her husband. For me Tera Jane is more than a dog, she is me and she represents the things that have made me who I am today. The hardest part for me over the past 13 years has been watching her fall in love with my boyfriends only to be torn apart from them abruptly, without explanation and followed by months of turmoil. Yet we've survived it all and continue to look for someone worthy of approval, and in a strange and unexplainable way, I think she's waiting for me to find something or someone to fill the inevitable void her absence will create. My biggest fear and concern right now is that I am going to let her down...well that is until I read the following passage:

"It is a completely selfless love: Tereza (woman) did not want anything of Karenin (dog); she did not ever ask him to love her back. Nor had she ever asked herself the questions that plague human couples: Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Does he love me more than I love him? Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company."

The other side to this equation is that dogs voluntarily love their masters and that only animals can experience conflict-free, simplified love. If you examine how any person came to own any particular dog, you will see some people who decide on the traits they want in a companion and others who simply end up together by mistake. For Tera Jane and I, love didn't form, it just exists between us and we repeat the same experience every day. I don't think I'm sure of anything else on a daily basis except for the fact that Tera Jane needs me and that I need her. Selfless love can only exist in a circle and "human time does not turn in a circle; it runs ahead in a straight line. That is why man cannot be happy: happiness (love) is the longing for repetition." I suppose I keep searching for a form of selfless love in another person and that has resulted in having unrealistic expectations of love between two people. Although today I think I learned that if a let go a little, if I'm patient, if I stop demanding my version of love, it will find me.  I have been selfish and I think today I realized that Tera Jane isn't going anywhere until she teaches me a few more lessons.

References: Kundera, Milan. The Unbearable Lightness of Being. New York: Harper & Row 1984.