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Thirteen and half years ago I wrote a letter to my older sister telling her that I was moving out of her house and taking her dog with me back to our hometown. The dog, who we now call Tera Jane, was a timid, finicky, thin yellow labrador retriever. She seemed lost and unhappy in her situation, so I decided to take her because I knew that even though she was intended for someone else, we could never be apart. Thirteen years ago we drove away together and our journey began.
Today my mother found me emotional, lying on my couch, holding Tera Jane. When asked what had happened, I explained that I just read a passage in my favorite novel in which a couple comes to terms with the death of their beloved dog. What I didn't explain was the actual content of the passage. I've read this novel on three separate occasions, and each time it relates to my life and my thoughts in an uncanny and almost eery way. Today, the story spoke of happiness, repetition and selfless love.
The author explains that the love between a woman and her dog is better than the love between her and her husband. For me Tera Jane is more than a dog, she is me and she represents the things that have made me who I am today. The hardest part for me over the past 13 years has been watching her fall in love with my boyfriends only to be torn apart from them abruptly, without explanation and followed by months of turmoil. Yet we've survived it all and continue to look for someone worthy of approval, and in a strange and unexplainable way, I think she's waiting for me to find something or someone to fill the inevitable void her absence will create. My biggest fear and concern right now is that I am going to let her down...well that is until I read the following passage:
"It is a completely selfless love: Tereza (woman) did not want anything of Karenin (dog); she did not ever ask him to love her back. Nor had she ever asked herself the questions that plague human couples: Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Does he love me more than I love him? Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company."
The other side to this equation is that dogs voluntarily love their masters and that only animals can experience conflict-free, simplified love. If you examine how any person came to own any particular dog, you will see some people who decide on the traits they want in a companion and others who simply end up together by mistake. For Tera Jane and I, love didn't form, it just exists between us and we repeat the same experience every day. I don't think I'm sure of anything else on a daily basis except for the fact that Tera Jane needs me and that I need her. Selfless love can only exist in a circle and "human time does not turn in a circle; it runs ahead in a straight line. That is why man cannot be happy: happiness (love) is the longing for repetition." I suppose I keep searching for a form of selfless love in another person and that has resulted in having unrealistic expectations of love between two people. Although today I think I learned that if a let go a little, if I'm patient, if I stop demanding my version of love, it will find me. I have been selfish and I think today I realized that Tera Jane isn't going anywhere until she teaches me a few more lessons.
References: Kundera, Milan. The Unbearable Lightness of Being. New York: Harper & Row 1984.
1 comment:
Love this passage... thank you.
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